I'm Not A Mushroom

...

"Is he deceiving me, or am I deceiving myself"


I've decided to give up. I have some defective sense of what is good in life. I had a talk with Mr. Infatuation last week about what we were going to be, and where we might be going. He made it clear that he doesn't do the long distance thing, but that he really cares about me, as a friend and as a person, and that he was atleast semi-interested in finding out what might be there if we met in person. I made it clear that I don't do the "fuck buddy" thing, and that I never have, and probably never will. That I don't get involved in things that aren't going...somewhere. Wherever, but somewhere.


Now, Mr. Infatuation calls when he has a hard-on, and apparently not at any other time.

Maybe I'm wrong - he'd say I'm over-reacting, I'm sure - but I don't care. I'm so tired of my whole life being treated like a sperm-depository - by men, but mostly by myself. Like there's something about me that makes me no good, unless I'm on my knees or horizontal. I just wonder why I keep finding ignorant, idiot, insensitive boys disgused as good people with actual emotions and possibly, just possibly, some kind of capability for respect, friendship... whatever.

This is just one time too many. This is just another straw on a broken back.

I'm done. I want to be alone for a while. I hate being alone, mind you. I get so bored...so, listless. Antsy. Something. I don't know. Restless, maybe. But I'd rather be alone then go to bed each night feeling useless. Or, worse, useful, in the worst kind of way.

for some reason, it always starts out as a person who's "genuinely" interested in me, who somewhere along the way loses track of the fact that i'm interesting, genuine, or even a person.

I hate this.

No, let me rephrase..I fucking hate this.

posted by Caitlin Sraet @ 10:52 PM