So Angry I Could Spit.
Yep, really fucking pissed of.
I just came home from a 4 hour date with my ex. Probably one of the best nights I've had in a really long time. This'll be date number 4 we've had over the past 2 weeks. We've been working really hard at exploring what's left of the mess we made out of shit. I've been so happy, between that and school, that all of the annoying bad shit that's been going on has kind of slid right out of my mind.
So, I walk in the house to this bullshit...
I am asking that you have enough respect for Rob, his family, and for yourself that you will stop calling here. Please. I really would hate to have to change a phone number we have had for nearly 10 years, but if that is what I have to do I will.
Please, leave us alone. Please, move on. Please.
(All email replies from this email address are automaticly deleted, per my mail sorter, please do not reply.)
Jody Edwards and familyNow, let me tell you why it's bullshit. It's bullshit because, except for the night I spoke to Jody in person, over 2 weeks ago, the night i found out about her and rob, btw, - and at which time I'd only called to let her know somehow her 2 year old had called me twice in the same day (and which, by the way, she's verified) and to apologize for continuing to call after her and Rob had gotten back together, because *I* was never informed of the fact, I have not once called them. I don't even have their goddamned phone number. I did everything I could to erase their phone number from my life. I don't know if being angry is the right response, but it's how I feel, goddammit. *MY* heart got broken - and in the eyes of everyone who reads Jody's blog, I was nothing but Rob's extramarital affair. And that's bullshit - I'm the woman he chased for years. I'm the woman he said I love you to every single day. I'm the woman he talked to about his dreams and his fears and the things that were so fucked up in his life. And I've been the biggest supporter of him and his family working out. The ONLY contact I've even sort of had with him was to send him an email telling him to knock his shit off and start making his marriage work, because I was fucking tired of seeing that my heart got broken for NOTHING. And I sent it to an email address that I'm almost positive he'd never get it at, because it was more for me to vent than for him to actually read.
It's the same shit all over again. Supposedly, when they were back together before, him and I were still talking. Well that's BULLSHIT. the first time rob and i had contact, after he broke my heart, disappeared, and his wife called to inform me he was dead (Thank you, very much - I hope you never feel the pain I felt that day, because no one deserves to have their world stopped and then find out it was just a joke) - was months later, AFTER Jody posted all those posts on my blog telling me how he was a "perverted fat fuck" and I could have him back if I wanted. (And lets not forget the infamous and really classey "You suck" reply. That's one for the record books.)
I have done everything I could to put aside all of my feelings, to downright debase myself - let her keep calling me his whore, let her keep believing her misconceptions if it makes their marriage work - hell, demean everything that was good and honest and pure in my life over the past year, if it's what it takes for his home to be happy - and not because i care about her, and not because of him really, but because those kids deserve a happy home, and if their parents are trying to give it to them, then let them. And so why the fuck, half a month after the last time I called them, am I walking in the house to a fucking email like that? Why is it, when I finally start to let the fuck go, I get drug the fuck back in?
Can't you understand - I dont want to be a part of your drama. YOU WON. Leave me alone. Leave me out of it. Let it go.
You want to keep him - you want to have a happy marriage, one that works - let the fucking past go. And I'm not talking from my experience with Rob, I'm talking from my experience with life. You keep staying so focused on whats wrong, or on what he did years ago, or on what you THINK he did, your misconceptions and your fear and your distrust (and I'm not saying he didn't earn it) then you're going to end up where you always were. Try being happy, instead of going online and publishing in a very open forum how unhappy you are, all the things that are wrong with him - things he did years ago, and things he do now. Guess what...PEOPLE aren't perfect. TRY being happy, instead of bitching all the time.
And whoever is callign your house all the damned time, call them back and tell them to stop. I seriously doubt it's me, since I haven't had your phone number in over a month.
*END OF RANT*
for those who are asking...
i received an email, late Saturday night, pointing me to Jody's blog.
According to it, her and Rob are back together again.
I didn't know. No one apparently thought I deserved to be told.
Yes, it's hard right now. Hard to remember that I'd decided to end things with him even before that - especially when people point out I'd decided to end things for the sake of him and his children, with hopes of working things out later on.
But that's the way life is. I made my choices, knowing the possibilities.
It sucks. I'll be okay.
Just wanted everyone to know, because I hate having to tell people. It's not the easiest thing in the world to talk about.
Thanks for your concern, everyone.
A.
It had to happen eventually...
got fired tonight.
wee-fuckin-hee.
via an email.
offical bullshit excuse - the slow season has started and i'm no longer needed. (we know this can't be true, as they just extended our shifts by a mandatory extra hour to compensate for all the extra work there is.)
real reason - angela's been sick ever since she started this fucking job. which, by the way, angela's doctor has stated that the reason she keeps getting sinus infections is in large due directly to the environment in which she works. regardless, i was a temp, they coulda just fired me for being sick, even with the doctor's notes i provided. but of course they didn't.
on the plus side...
um..
well, i'll come up with one and let you know.
however, i'm working on my resume right now, and applying for receptionist jobs. it's not glorious, but it's a big step for me. it's a self-esteem thing, you see... cause i know i can do these jobs, but i never had the balls to try and convince someone else that i could do them. but i'm aiming at going to school (DeVry wants me to start in March, although I'm not positive yet that I want to go to DeVry.. I'd really like to go to a "real" school, as we all know, but DeVry's close and they're pushing for me - and they have this motto about never turning someone away just cause they can't pay for it, which means i might actually get help with the whole getting financial aid disaster i've been trying to wade through) - and i'm aiming at going to school for business management... so if i can't work in an office now, i'm never gonna be able to. i need to grow a pair i guess.
in other, unrelated news...haven't talked to R. in over 2 weeks, had not even called him in 11 days until some interesting circumstances the other afternoon, but his 2 year old daughter called me (don't ask me how, I don't know) the other day - so I've decided to end things until he moves out. Because I am feelin really damned guilty that his children are even in any way minorly exposed to me. It may not have been my fault - but with all of the distance, and the fact that he gets pissed at me if I call, because of the drama it causes around there (ie, Jody encouraging me to call and then flipping out at Rob everytime I do so) and the fact that he's stuck there if he likes it or not, and the fact that I simply can't spend my entire life in a relationship where I feel like I'm constantly wrong no matter what I do - not to mention alone with a boyfriend I'm not allowed to speak to - the last thing I could take was GUILT on top of it. I have enough reasons to dislike myself. Of course, I can't call him and talk this out with him, all I could do was send him an email that he most likely won't read, since he can't read his email from home. And no snickering, or I told you so's..and keep the cheering out of my hearing, cause it fucking hurts. I'm just hoping if i end things now, before we hate each other, than we'll still have a chance, down the road, when we're both free and have pulled our shit together a little bit.
(and devry has pleanty of campuses in arizona if things do work out.)
anyway. now offline. been on way too long working on my resume.
i miss y'all.
the night from h-e-double-hockey-sticks
oh my god, where to even start.
they've taken me off of the tempering line, where i've worked quite happily for the past 3-4 months as punishment for being ill two weeks ago. they've placed me back on the production line, catching the finished units as they come out of the oven. (no, not "catching" like they're flying out..they come down on a roller table and we take them off and place them on their racks.) they've given me this not-quite-right new person, who pays absolutely no attention and doesn't care. part of this job is to squeeze all four corners, and make sure there are no gaps in the sealant, which are easily fixed by squeezing down on the glass where the gaps appear - every third unit i had to remind him to do this, and i still got yelled at by the supervisors every time they found one that wasn't fixed. another part is to put it on the racks properly.. he put every single one on backwards, until i gave up telling him how to do it properly and started fixing it. and the absolute most important job is to make sure the units are off of the roller table before the next ones come down, as they will run into each other and either stick together (if you're lucky) or shatter all together. said person stood there, atleast a dozen times tonight, and literally watched as this happened, and did nothing to stop it. so i spent most of the night being yelled at for HIS mistakes, even though i told the supervisors repeatedly what was going on and asked them to speak to him, as apparently i wasn't getting through to him.
janet and i had an "argument"..because she came up to me and started whining about how someone refused to help her with something YESTERDAY (and the person had good reason, as she wanted something unrealistic and time consuming and they were doing said job that i was doing today, where you do not have time for anything but the job at hand) - regardless, she had on Friday told my friend Tizzo not to help me, that i could do my "own fucking work" - because i had asked him to climb up on a step ladder (I have an irrational fear of very short heights like ladders, related to my depth perception issues) and when he pointed out that he had nothing else to do, she said "then grab a fucking broom before you help that (word i find too offensive to repeat)". so when she started bitching about not getting the help she was demanding, i very mildly told her that i wasn't interested in someone helping or not helping her, because i'd heard about the directive she'd given Tizzo regarding me (mind you, she's not a supervisor or anything like a supervisor, she just had a strange hatred of me). she flipped out, started screaming at me, walked away, came back, said "I might get written up for this..but.." and proceeded to continue screaming, until I said "Janet, go away. I'm too busy for this, if you have a problem with me from now on, go to a supervisor." And continued to repeat that as she continued to scream, until she finally did storm off. I explained what happened to Kent, and he said he'd "talk to her".
Okay, so here's the worst part of the night. Due to the fact that I've been taken off of temper line, Dawn (my ride home every night) and I no longer work together. I've explained to the bosses numerous times that since I don't get to see temper's schedule, I have no way of knowing if Dawn and I are going to be done at the same time, but that if I'm going to have to find another ride, I need to know by lunch time, because if I don't call Frank by 7:30 he takes his lunch break at work and is no longer available. Kent assured me at lunch that we'd be done very nearly at the same time. I asked again at 8, because we were behind schedule, and again he reassured me. Same at about 9:30. At 11 pm when Dawn was finished and I had at least 5 hours of work remaining, I asked Hector what I should do, as I hadn't found another ride home, and he said not to worry, that they were going to have Wilson come over and take over, so that we could leave. The reason this was such a big issue tonight was that Dawn did not have her car, and was having someone pick her up, and therefore couldn't even come back and get me later or anything. Of course this happens TONIGHT of all nights. They sent Wilson home at 11:15. At 12, they sent home Nick and Jamie, 2 more people who could have taken over. They'd already sent home Aurora and Janet. At 12:30, they let Vincent go because his ride was there and wouldn't wait any longer. Dawn told them at 12:45 that her ride was only going to wait until 1am, and that we'd absolutely have to go at that point. I had no luck getting ahold of Frank, and at that point it would have been way too late, as they'd kept telling me I didn't need to worry about it, so he'd already taken his lunch break anyway. Finally, around 1:15 am, Dawn had to go. So, trying really hard not to cry, because I knew what was going to happen, I asked Dustin what I should do. He said "well, what did Hector say?" and I said "Hector said I'd be leaving when Wilson was done, which is why I didn't get another ride" and dustin said "yeah, well, i told him Wilson had nothing to do with it because he was working temper tonight and sent him home." And I said "well, you asked what Hector said, and that's what he said. I just need to know what you want me to do." Dustin said "I was told you were staying until it's done, so that's what I'm going by." I said "I'm sorry Dustin, I just don't have a choice. I have no other way to get home tonight". At this point, I was crying. I mean straight out bawling. And I've never cried at this job before (atleast outside of the bathroom on the phone with one of you dear friends of mine. I'm just not that type of chick. I believe emotions don't belong at work.) And I cried right as I walked off the line, filled out my paperwork and left. We were outside for maybe 4 minutes, waiting for Dawn's ride to actually get there, where I continued to cry my eyes out. Hector's brother Lois came out to smoke (Yeah, he was done too) saw me crying, adn asked what was going on. I gave him the entire story, told him I was sure they were going to fire me, but that I had no choice. He said he thought I'd be okay, and that he'd talk to Hector, try to get them to go easy on me. At the very least, I'll probably get written up - but that's okay, as long as I can keep my job. I just didn't have any choice, and I begged them over and over through the night to just tell me what was going on, but of course they didn't.
Tizzo called after he got done - 4 am-ish - and said no one said anything about me being fired, and usually they're very free with their tongues when they're firing me. But on the other hand, they might have just not made the decision yet. I'm still pretty messed up about it. It's like they were doing it on purpose, and I just don't know what else I could have possibly done. But I need this job, as much as I hate it. I can't afford to be out of work - Dad and Mom will both flip out, and there's nothing else around that'll pay as well.
Well, adendum to that, I did find an add for a shipping office clerk, 10-11 dollars an hour, 2nd shift, in town...looks like something I could easily due, and starts immediately, so I'm going to try that tomorrow. Sad part is, it only has a fax number attached, so I'm going to have to fax them and hope I hear something. I'm definitely qualified. I can only pray, you know.
I'm really messed up over all of this tonight. I just don't know what's going on anymore.
Haven't heard from Rob since Sunday, when I tried to call when I thought he'd be home alone, and either he hung up on me or my cell phone lost reception. ( I was walking through one of those "dead zones" my phone seems to have.) I've made a resolution to just give him the space he needs, regardless of how hard it is on me, and to trust that things will work out as they're meant to be. I know no one understands it, but I do love the man, and I'd rather wait now for what could be the best 'friendship' of my life than keep pushing when I know and understand his reasons for space right now. (And out of fear that you-know-who still reads this, I'm not going to go into anymore detail, but dammit, it is my blog, and I reclaiming it as much as I feel comfortable doing.) I really miss him, but I think I feel better now that I've sat down and processed my trust, and the importance of our relationship. There's so much more to us than a month or two of not being able to talk all the time, and nothing matters enough right now that I can justify disrespecting him, or causing him pain - it's not life or death, and for him it may mean a place to live, or some peace and quiet. That's enough. I've learned over the past six months that there's no rush to this, that we've got a long long time to enjoy each other once we get our individual shit together, and now I've just got to put into practice the things that I've learned.
I'm very verbose tonight, to say the least. I've felt very cut off and isolated over the past few weeks, being stuck at home. (And yes, Mom is still very mad at me, so I'm still here. I hate it - I wish I could be there helping them move, because they could really use the help, but some of the things I said back were awfully out of line and I can understand her being hurt over them. It was bound to happen sooner or later, but I wish I'd guarded MY tongue a little better.)
On the plus side, all of this free time has given me pleanty of time to start writing rooms for my "area" - muhahahah. Now hopefully, by the time I get back to being able to type, they'll still make sense. That's the only downside to doing everything by hand - what looks great in written word does not always translate as well. But atleast i'm doing SOMETHING for Mozart. It's been a long time. It's still home, you know, and I've missed it an obscene amount.
Okay, it's now 8am, and I'm going to go try to lay down, in the sheer hope that I still have a job today. Of course, I've tried to lay down many times tonight. I just can't get my brain to shut off. My other resolution for the new year (outside of the R. one, and the standard "lose weight and exercise more" is to be sick less and to work as many hours as i possibly can, no matter what. just made the resolution tonight, after i left work in tears and realized how much i really don't want to lose this job, and how much i really need to earn every cent i can, and start saving it. saving money is becoming priority number one at this point. i don't want to go through this fear ever again.)
Talked to Tizzo for a long time tonight, just because I was so upset and he seemed to feel like listening. Told him a lot about myself, and realized how much there is about me that is...misperceived. He told me that a lot of people at work think I'm stuck up and have a better than additude...and I explained to him that that's really because I have such low self-esteem, and I feel like I don't fit in with any of them, so I just come to work to work and not to socialize, because it's easier that way. I'll write more about this tomorrow or soon, cause the words are starting to blur... but it kinda hurt to know people at work really do dislike me. Not as much as Janet, but enough. And to know that a lot of the things Dawn does that I disagree with (she tends to flip out a lot about new people, has very little patience..and seems to think anytime someone doesn't listen to her it's because she's a girl - she got atleast 3 new people fired or made them quit due to this) I get blamed for. I think I need to put some distance between us at work, because I really do disagree with a lot of what she says/does, and I..not dislike her... but don't like working with her very much, she's just been the only person I've had to work with, and I've needed to talk to SOMEONE.
oh well.
goodnight loved ones.
